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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.