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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.