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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
It`s no fun if you have permission.