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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.