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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.