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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb