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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.