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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.