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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.