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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.