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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.