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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.