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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.