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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.