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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying