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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.