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There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.