Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work