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Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.