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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.