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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.