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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?