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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…