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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm