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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.