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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.