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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Being alive is so expensive.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.