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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.