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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.