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People will do odd things to get even.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.