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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.