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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?