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Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.