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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.