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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.