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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."