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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species