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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Some of my best memories are naps.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."