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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?