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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.