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You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.