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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.