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I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode