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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.