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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!