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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.