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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.