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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.