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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.