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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"