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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.