Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.