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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
Home is where the pants aren’t.