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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.