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I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!