Daily Silly Status

I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.

Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)

Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”

Smile. Your enemies hate it.

I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.

I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.

This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.