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never be afraid to wipe twice
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.