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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
If I owned a copy shop, Iād only hire identical twins to work there.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping