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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Iām not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!