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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.