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Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.