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I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".