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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.