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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.