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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I should come with a warning label.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.