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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.