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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.