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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.