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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.