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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC