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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Sometimes I think Iām too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......